From Fantasy to Reality: The Things You Learn Actually Practicing BDSM

I’ll try to keep the history brief in favor of the larger picture.  And this is by no means meant to be representative, just my experiences.

I grew interested in bondage at the age of 6 or 7, though I didn’t have the words for it.  The cartoons I watched frequently featured Damsels in Distress and I used to roll myself up in blankets and pretend that I was tied up like they were.  When my sexuality started to develop, around the ages of 12 or 13, I began to imagine tying up other people and having my way with them.  A year or two later I began to experiment with tying myself up (note: this is dangerous, do not do this without a safety person), and a year or two after that had the presence of mind to plug ‘girls tied up’ into a search engine and go from there.

On it’s surface, being a Dom or Domme seems like the better end of the bargain.  (I will henceforth use Domme to refer to Dominants of all genders.)  Put simply, you’re the one in charge (more on that in a minute) and I think a lot of people equate it with walking into a brothel and having the pick of the litters of both people and activities.  But being a Domme is more like directing traffic.  You’ve been given this authority, but it requires the trust of those around you and frequent, constant communication.

In any good scene the submissive has a healthy amount of input into how things go.  That can be as simple and basic as setting limits and agreeing on a safe-word, or it can be suggesting focuses for scenes or attempting to outline a complex mix the things the submissive consents to without making the scene predictable.  Any good Domme will reserve some of their mental capacity during a scene to keep track of these things.

A lot of my Dominating contains a significant amount of role-play.  I am not the type of guy to call people sluts or whores or bitches, nor the type to slap them in the face or spit in their mouths.  There’s an amount of acting that goes it into it all because at my core I am laid back, kind, and empathetic.  But because there are always significant safety concerns when doing bondage (particularly rope bondage, my forte), there is always a portion of myself that remains on neutral ground ready to recognize the use of a safeword, problematic situations, or things that just aren’t working quite right at a split second’s notice.

Once you get into a scene, lets say one that involves some sort of impact play, spanking, it’s easy to escalate and escalate and escalate as the energy builds and it can become very easy to lose yourself in the moment.  But I find I have a duality in such scenes.  There’s the part of me that does this:

*Smack*

“What did I tell you to do?”

*smack*

“To thank you for letting me suck your cock Master.”

*smack*

“And did you?”

*smack*

“No Master.”

*smack*

“Are you going to next time?”

*smack*

“Yes Master.”

*smack*

“Good.”

And the part of myself that’s going “okay, first few hits the reaction is all pleasure.  The fourth hit she’s started to squirm a little, now the pleasure and pain are competing.  Fifth hit is more intense.  Sixth hit, okay the squirm was only half voluntary, the reaction is more to the sensation than the scene, we’re approaching the pain threshold, one more.”

The submissive is (usually) free to lose themselves in a scene, and I think that it’s very important that the Domme doesn’t.  There is the fun in controlling someone, in tormenting them, or in having them please you, yes, but there is also the responsibility that comes with that.

One of the first scenes I ever did was a kneeling strappado tie with a submissive that was experienced in submitting, but not very experienced in voicing their concerns.  The position was more precarious than they would have liked – I’d made the mistake of trying it on the couch – and they were clearly uncomfortable.  I asked if they wanted to stop and they told me no.  Their facial expression gave me the real answer and we stopped the scene and put the rope away.

Good Dommes know when they need to stop Domming.

***

Porn focuses very heavily on the pleasure aspect of D/s play, that is the submissive pleasuring the Domme.  One thing that is lost when you can cut video wherever you want is that tying someone up is difficult, time consuming work.

I recently did a spread-eagle tie with my current submissive that would eventually involve a lot of forced orgasm play.  That meant four different ties at the very least (each wrist and ankle to the bed) and in this case, two additional ties at the knees to pull her legs further spread and to cut down on the inevitable squirming.  Two of the ties had to be redone because I found that one tie point on the bed frame worked better than the other, and I had tied a harnessing system to the underside of the bed because I didn’t have a good place to anchor the knee restraints.  Altogether that was 6 ties, 2 re-ties, and the tie points I added for each knee or 10 ties total.  Even if I can make my way through these at two minutes each, at that point I’ve just spent twenty minutes and a fair amount of exertion working in difficult to reach spaces and I haven’t even started…that’s just the preparation.

I like to work this into the scene.  As I slowly restrain someone I like to take advantage of that restraint, I shove fingers in their mouth, grope what I please, get my cock out and show them what they have to look forward to.  I find it makes good foreplay as opposed to trying to fill the time with idle conversation.

Of course having a vanilla conversation with a naked submissive that you’re slowly restraining is it’s own sort of fun too.

***

I am at my heart a giver and a pleaser and a large part of my enjoyment of Domming comes from what I can do to or for my submissive.  I don’t have much of an interest in pain for the sake of it, but if the submissive enjoys it and if I can get some good reactions out of it, it can get me hard in an instant.  The same goes for humiliation, and anything else really.

I think the stereotype of Dommes is some stern, serious, larger than life figure, a very traditional authority stereotype, but I am not at all like that.  I take safety dead fucking serious, but I’m jovial when I go about Domming someone.

One of the most degrading things I’ve done, and perhaps the thing that would turn the most people off, is that I’ve spit in someone’s face, and directly into their mouth.  I had known since the beginning that this particular submissive was into humiliation, but I’ve always been a person that needs to build and to work to get to certain points.  I’ve turned away more than one submissive because they were seeking some pretty intense stuff and I just didn’t feel that we had gotten to the level of trust in one another to be able to do those things.

This girl had stripped for me, had sucked my cock countless times, had taken my cum on her face and in her mouth and thanked me for it.  I almost always fucked her from behind because that was the way she liked it and this day was no different.  Her hair was a disheveled mess, her makeup long ruined by the foreplay of cock sucking and face fucking (my dick goes in your mouth before I deign to please any other orifice), her head pressed into the bed by my hand, and her pussy filled with my cock.

I had a penchant for shoving my fingers in her mouth while I fucked her and this day I had been especially rough, rubbing her saliva over her face.  The writing was on the wall at that point, but it’s always good to get emphatic consent on such things so I asked her if anyone had ever spit on her face.  “Noooo,” she replied in a faux-resigned tone with the impish smile that she almost always wore.  I asked if that was okay, and she said yes.  So I spit on her face.  Her reaction was visceral moaning and a sharp bodily contortion that nearly made me cum right then and there and made me think she had.  (Note: asking specifically and explicitly about things has never ruined a single moment for me.)  So I fucked her and I spit in her face and I rubbed it all over her and turned her makeup from a mess into an atrocity.

And then I laughed.  Because when you have such a deep respect for people, spitting in their face and not having that be an intensely disrespectful act is kind of absurd.  And funny.  And she laughed with me so I spit in her face again and added my cum to the mixture later.

I laugh a lot when I’m practicing bondage because bondage is fun and doing things that are so outside the realm of politeness is fun and funny.  And fucking someone into oblivion is fun and sometimes I’m still happily amazed that this is a thing I get to do.

***

Submission is a gift.  The submissive is literally giving the Domme themselves and all the trust and responsibility that goes with it.  And Domination is a gift too; the Domme is giving the submissive the attention and the interaction and the experience they crave.  I think it’s important to remember that D/s is not a one sided affair, that both parties should be giving something to the experience, and both parties should be able to take something from it as well.

I get an immense amount of satisfaction in making my submissive feel fulfilled and satisfied and my general practice is to give them theirs first and to have them give me mine second as a means of thanking me.  It’s a challenge to myself to provide the best experience I can, and to make my submissive feel incredibly indebted to me for what I’ve given them and want to return the favor tenfold.

One of the most enjoyable experiences came after a scene with a particularly large amount of orgasms from my submissive.  After untying her, I half dragged her by the hair from her back to her knees and planted her between my legs.  She sucked my cock and swallowed my cum, as is her duty when such things are called for, but what surprised me was that after I had finished, she continued to slowly, softly pleasure me with her mouth and tongue as a sort of massage until I finally went limp.  That she was (and is) devoted enough to keep my cock inside her after I’d finished was almost as enjoyable as the orgasm itself.

My goal is always to make my submissive crave giving me that level of servitude as a thanks for what I’ve given them.

***

One of the things that eases the burden of Dominating is the ability to take the expectations off of yourself.  I’ve learned that my sex drive can be finicky, as can my penis and while cold weather or poor circulation or distractions can be a show stopper, nothing is going to make a dildo go soft or quiet a vibrator.  (Save for, you know, a power outage.)  It’s nice to have an indefatigable option when biology fails, and while I initially thought that it would be annoying to give and not get, there is a certain amount of fun in fucking and fucking and fucking someone until they can’t take anymore.

I had always intertwined BDSM with sex, but BDSM can exist without sex, or at least without my own sexual gratification and that’s liberating in a way I hadn’t envisioned.  Sometimes it can be nice to simplify things thusly, even if it comes at my own expense.

***

Evolution is a must, in life, in sex, and in bondage and I have no doubt that my views and practices will continue to involve, that fantasies will continue to come and go, and that the realities will continue to make mockeries of, or enhance them.  It’s always a mystery which until I get into the moment.

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About Alex

I am awesome.

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