I Hate This Team

I hate this team.  No, worse than that, I hate hating this team.  I’m sick of hating the coach and the quarterback and the play calling and the officials because it has become so fucking old at this point.  This is all we’ve done, with reason, for the past fourteen years.  It’s getting to the point where I feel the same way I did when I quit on baseball when I just got so GOD DAMN SICK of the Yankees and their smug turd-face shortstop and of rooting for them to lose that I just said fuck it.  The 2001 World Series, where the Yankees got outscored 783-6, but still managed to take it seven games was the last one I watched in full, but it was really 2003 and Aaron fucking Boone that soured me on them completely.  These guys again?  Aw god damn it.  I have to root for the Marlins, the Charles Ponzi of baseball?  FUCK IT, I’M OUT.

But I digress.

I hate this team in particular because with competent coaching and quarterbacking, they’re probably a division winner, and at the very least a 10-6 team that goes neck and neck with the Patriots most of the way.  What they probably will be is an 8-8 underachiever.

“Hurr durr if we hadn’t thrown that pick we probly wouldda won by 4 points hurr durr I willingly went to Syracuse for some reason.”  That’s what I imagine Marrone said in his postgame presser.  The turnover was bad.  Therefore we need to be more passive and take fewer chances!  Which, ironically, also probably would have won that game considering the Texans’ run defense.  And I get that we have two of the best running backs in the game, and the short passes are a great way to utilize them, but it works a whole lot better if the defense thinks that your quarterback can complete a pass of 15+ yards that doesn’t involves a blown coverage or 14 yards after the catch.  EJ Manuel can’t complete 60% of his passes even though his average target distance has to be about 3 yards.

I hate this team because there are nineteen teams, NINETEEN FUCKING TEAMS that are relatively certain of their quarterback situation.  Don’t believe me?  Brady, Roethlisberger, Dalton (I guess), Flacco, Luck, Manning, Rivers, Smith, Romo, Manning, Foles, Stafford, Rodgers, Cutler, Brees, Newton, Ryan, Wilson, and Kaepernick.  And we’ve never once been one of them over the past decade and a half.  Instead we have a slightly better JP Losman.  More accurate Jake Locker?  Drunk Russel Wilson?  Fuck.  At least Losman came with the benefit of being able to throw 65 yard strikes to Lee Evans every once in a while even if he was good for four fumbles and eight interceptions a game.

I hate this team because the shitty Texans beat us and RYAN FITZPATRICK DIDN’T EVEN PLAY THAT WELL.  He threw two interceptions and Andre Johnson fumbled once and our offense still could only manage seventeen points and even those only because the CB covering Mike Williams fell over and shit his pants or something.  If you want to make the playoffs you beat crap teams that play shitty.  And even if Manuel doesn’t throw that pick and the Bills win the game 20-16, it wouldn’t matter, because they should have won that game 30-16.

For as dumb as sports fans are, and Bills fans in particular, we’ve always been good at one thing: figuring out that the coach and quarterback suck light years before any of the actual decision makers do.  Raise your hand if you knew Dick Jauron was a bad idea the second his name was mentioned, let alone when he was actually hired?  Oh, everyone?  Imagine that.

I have zero confidence in Kyle Orton, by the way.  He’s what you get if you can stick around in the league for nine years, an okay player who can read defenses fairly well that scares absolutely no one.  Though maybe with Spiller and Jackson and Watkins and Woods and Williams he can rise to “distinctly above average.”  I don’t even know what that looks like because for as bad as he is, Manuel is better than everyone that has come before him since Kelly save for maybe ten total games of Fitz and Bledsoe and my whole quarterback rating system is so skewed at this point I’m talking myself into trading for someone else’s backup that’s maybe an upgrade.

Fire EJ Manuel into the sun and draft a QB every goddamn year until we get someone that can show us they’re The Guy in ten games or less.  For the love of god, please.


About Alex

I am awesome.

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