Amazon Kindle has made massive inroads in e-publishing recently, first releasing KDP Select which allows authors to pull their royalties from a Global Fund based on their share of Kindle-only reads and library borrows, and most recently outlining plans for Kindle Unlimited, a sort of Netflix for e-books. Both programs, of course, require authors to be exclusive to Kindle.
Not content with this brazen use of content creators to increase market share, Amazon has released KDP-GoFuckYourself where for a small fee you can pay them to burn your work, dump your computer in Lake Washington, and take a shit on the Nook helpdesk at the nearest Barnes and Noble.
Just look at these glowing testimonials:
“I was super unsuccessful as a writer until Kindle made my work available to less people on fewer devices!”
“I love being used as a pawn against Amazon’s e-publishing competitors!”
“I bleed black, white, and I don’t know, some kind of gross gold? so I was super excited to increase the personal wealth of Kindle shareholders while hamstringing my own future!”
“I hate the free market!”
“We haven’t tried fascism recently.”
“All Hail Emperor Lord Conqueror Bezos!”
“It’s not creepy at all that Bezos’s most trusted advisers are 12 men.”
“All hail Messiah Jezos!”